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Literature Text
My armpits get flooded whenever I miss you
Paper boats float around,
carrying pieces of a déjà-vu.
But as you wrap your arms around me
and dive into the peachy flavour of my skin
Our heartbeat turns the boats to planes,
which fly along my waist
where all the longing drains...
You kiss me and it makes me feel
We're bathing in a sunbeam.
Paper boats float around,
carrying pieces of a déjà-vu.
But as you wrap your arms around me
and dive into the peachy flavour of my skin
Our heartbeat turns the boats to planes,
which fly along my waist
where all the longing drains...
You kiss me and it makes me feel
We're bathing in a sunbeam.
it doesn't take that much time for me to miss you...
© 2009 - 2024 de-ce
Comments14
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Well...
This is beautiful!
I think this is worlds apart from the last poem I read by you. This has far greater depth of thought and imagery and kinetic-ism, everything!
I really enjoyed the change which occurs in the line
Our heartbeat turns the boats to planes,
as this is a change in pace which is marked out well. And the metre is great here, too! Almost has a lyrical quality.
One criticism is that I feel the rhyme is a little superfluous. The imagery is rich and vivid enough to hold the reader's attention, so rhyme is unnecessary. If you don't worry about rhyme you will be free to concentrate on the imagery and expressing your ideas in as interesting ways as possible. I do like the internal rhyme, such as "boats float", because this adds interest and doesn't try to add rhythm, which isn't necessary in this form, I don't think.
The way the first line is written doesn't make much sense, either. Something like 'every time I miss you' might be better than 'whenever'. 'Whenever' makes it sound like the act of missing is a deliberate, routine action, which is strange and to read this was kind of jarring to me.
I like the fact you didn't rhyme the last two lines, as I feel this is appropriate to the naturalistic, conversational feel you were going for.
Just my opinion though, of course.
All in all, the best I have read by you. Now gimme more!
This is beautiful!
I think this is worlds apart from the last poem I read by you. This has far greater depth of thought and imagery and kinetic-ism, everything!
I really enjoyed the change which occurs in the line
Our heartbeat turns the boats to planes,
as this is a change in pace which is marked out well. And the metre is great here, too! Almost has a lyrical quality.
One criticism is that I feel the rhyme is a little superfluous. The imagery is rich and vivid enough to hold the reader's attention, so rhyme is unnecessary. If you don't worry about rhyme you will be free to concentrate on the imagery and expressing your ideas in as interesting ways as possible. I do like the internal rhyme, such as "boats float", because this adds interest and doesn't try to add rhythm, which isn't necessary in this form, I don't think.
The way the first line is written doesn't make much sense, either. Something like 'every time I miss you' might be better than 'whenever'. 'Whenever' makes it sound like the act of missing is a deliberate, routine action, which is strange and to read this was kind of jarring to me.
I like the fact you didn't rhyme the last two lines, as I feel this is appropriate to the naturalistic, conversational feel you were going for.
Just my opinion though, of course.
All in all, the best I have read by you. Now gimme more!